gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
