Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
