He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
