So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
