Define "chronic" masturbator.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
