Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
