So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
