kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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