I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
