She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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