Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
