It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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