If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
