evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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