cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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