He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize