I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
