I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
