honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
