i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
