I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
