Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
