I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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