He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
