he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
