I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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