Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
