I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
