do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
