i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
