Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
