i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
