Kiss
Puke
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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