Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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