I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
