But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
