I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
