Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
