I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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