Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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