yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
