The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
