my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is the high leading the old right now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
