I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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