he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
