True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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