she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
