I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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