where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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