I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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