he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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